The BravoCon That Could Have Been

Photo-Illustration: Vulture; Photo by Bravo

Hello ladies and gentlegays, it is I, your president and founder, coming to you in this time of severe national crisis. It has come to my attention that a moral outrage has been allowed to spread unchecked, sullying the minds and ears of every person that comes across it. I am, of course, talking about the word “husbandger,” a term that Candiace Dillard created to describe her brown-dicked husband Chris. This merits a response. Candiace should not be allowed to go around brandishing the English language all willy-nilly like it’s a butter knife in Ashley Darby’s face. Her abhorrent portmanteau is obviously a play on “momager,” the word used to describe evil genius Kris Jenner, but that works because the “mom” sounds like the “man” in “manager.” “Husband” does not sound like any part of “manager.” If she spent more than a fake eyelash’s width of a second thinking about it she would have landed on “marriage-er,” which sounds like both “marriage” and “manager,” which is what she was going for. There, as the kids say on the TikTaks, fixed it for you.

Now that we’ve all agreed not to use the word that bears the mark of the devil, we can proceed with this week’s Housewives Institute Bulletin and delve into the cancellation of BravoCon, the Nicki Minaj of it all, and all of the rumored cast shakeups.

–Dame Brian Moylan

Not all the news, but all the news you actually care about.

Photo-Illustration: Vulture; Photo by Bravo

BARBIE’S DREAM JOB: Um, so it looks like Nicki Minaj might be hosting the Real Housewives of Potomac reunion. Your dad would say that he didn’t have that on his 2021 bingo card, but he doesn’t understand any of the words in the previous sentence, so just let him sit in his chair and mourn the loss of Bosch. Nicki used The Secret to manifest this plan out of the ether, posting a remixed version of the RHOP trailer and saying she would be hosting the reunion. Our dark lord Andy Cohen commented, “I want to see this! 👏👏🔥🔥” and we all scoffed because yeah, like Andy is really going to give up his very plum gig so that Mx. Minaj could hog the spotlight.

This plan really seemed to ignite on June 30 when the professional featured artist tweeted a conversation with her publicist saying Andy Cohen would step down and let her host it so she could “get into some thingz hunty.” Of course, all of the women in the cast were here for it. Karen Huger told E! News (which is basically a subsidiary of Bravo), “Nicki is so super cool. You saw us all paying respect and she was so kind to do that. It would be lovely to have her, even if it’s just for a few moments.” Gizelle Bryant says that Nicki has been a fan from the jump and used to DM her and Robyn Dixon about what was going on. She told something called a Digital Spy, “Andy [Cohen] has responded and he’s said he’d love to incorporate her for a couple of segments and allow her to ask all the questions she wants to ask. They haven’t told us yet whether or not it’s confirmed, but I am here for it and I will be wearing pink, okay!”

Knowing some good publicity where she sees it, Lisa Rinna even got in on the action. She posted on her Insta story, “I want to do a guest appearance on Potomac. I want to go play with those hardcore bitches.” Sorry, Rinna, but the queens on what is currently the best city in the franchise would eat your lips alive. While I don’t expect Rinna to be making the commute anytime soon, it seems like this Nicki thing might actually happen. Now I’m holding out for noted Karen stan Rihanna to be the guest host on Watch What Happens Live.

THE TAX MAN COMETH: On the most recent episode of RHOP, Gizelle said she wants Karen’s husband Ray “to live. I want him to pay his bills.” Well, maybe she should look a little closer to home before bringing up Ray Huger’s old tax issues. Apparently her once and future ex Jamal Bryant owes more than $700,000 in back taxes. How does every single person on one of these shows owe the government the equivalent of three Maybachs?

THE COSBY KIDS: Somehow RHOSLC closet-sitter Mary Cosby has gotten herself in some legal trouble. She pleaded not guilty to two charges of “providing shelter to a runaway” and “contributing to the delinquency of a minor” (which is also what my sister-in-law calls it when I babysit). There haven’t been many details about the case yet, but Cosby is due back in court (checks watch) today, so maybe we’ll know more soon.

Her hospital-scented castmate Jen Shah is still dealing with her own legal trouble. A judge dismissed her motion to have the charges dismissed because she couldn’t read her Miranda rights because her contacts were cloudy or some shit. Whatever, it was dumb. Now, Jen has changed her legal team, which is never a good sign. And just as her legal team has shifted, apparently so has the cast for the next season of RHOSLC. The Sun reports Jennie Nguyen, one of Lisa Barlow’s besties, was hired as a “friend of,” but because Jen was absent so much dealing with the law, she got bumped up to a full-time cast member by season’s end. Well, we’ll have to wait for the upcoming trailer to really see.

EVERYONE IS FIRED AND/OR HIRED: The gossip sites are getting busier than the Provincetown COVID clinic talking about all of the supposed cast shake-ups that are coming our way. RadarOnline, a website dedicated to puppy adoptions, has a great roundup of all the RHOA news. The verdict is that Porsha Williams is filming her spinoff and won’t be back to the group and Cynthia Bailey is finally on her way out. Kandi Burruss and Kenya Moore will be back, but no word on freshman Drew Sidora. Also out are “friends” Falynn Guobadia, whose husband Porsha stole, and LaToya ProphetOrSomething, who both already said they won’t be returning. Radar also adds that production is having a hell of a time finding fresh talent and figuring out how to cast the show, which might be why the rumors about Sheree Whitfield’s return are alive and well.

Production of RHOA has been pushed back to October, and production of RHONY, whose ratings are lower than the meanest “yo momma” joke, has also been pushed back to 2022. The Sun has an insider who says that the whole cast is “panicking” because the producers won’t say who is in and who is out. Apparently it’s not just Ramona Singer who is in danger but also Leah  McSweeney and Eboni K. Williams. I find it a little hard to believe that RHONY is going to fire its first and only Black cast member after one season. That is not the look for Bravo right now. Also, I think Eboni deserves to be a part of a good season before we decide to boot her or not.

Now on to RHOD. The Real Housewives of Dallas Insta page, which has no affiliation with the show, says that Brandi Redmond, Stephanie Hollman, and Kary Brittingham are all gone, leaving Dr. Tiffany Moon, D’Andra Simmons, and Cameron Westcott (and her whole gross family) as the only returning cast. They will supposedly be joined by Elizabeth Savetsky, Madelaine Lam, and Mahisha Dellinger. However, we’ve been burned by casting rumors in the past, so giant grains of salt for all of this.

SLEEPING WITH THE FISHES: Everyone who has wanted to live out their Berserkshires fantasies at Blue Stone Manor will finally get the chance. Dorinda Medley was approached by Airbnb about renting out her famous house (which is still haunted by the ghost of Coco’s carpet poops) while she is traveling this August. Two groups of four people will have the chance to rent the house for one night in late August, while Dorinda is off repping her new book, Make It Nice. The two nights will only be $100 a pop and will go live at 12 p.m. EST on August 18 through Airbnb’s site. Whoever wins these nights is bound by the Housewives Institute bylaws to invite me as a guest. I’ll even take the Fish Room.

ERIKA UPDATES: While we all know where Dorinda lives, it took some internet sleuths to find Erika Jayne’s house in La Quinta, California. The Insta account Bravo Bone Collector dug it up on their Story (collected here by AllAboutTRH), and apparently the $1.25 million house is part of Tom Girardi’s involuntary bankruptcy and wasn’t sold in 2018, as Kyle Richards said on a recent episode of RHOBH. As for Tom, some photos of him looking bedraggled and sporting a shiner were making the rounds last week. Even Sonja Morgan was shocked by them.

HOUSEWIVES INSTITUTE SOCIETY PAGES: 

• Kenya Moore finally filed for divorce from Marc Daly.
• Lisa Vanderpump’s daughter Pandora Vanderpump Sabo is pregnant with her first child. The baby will not be named Kyle.
• Rumored RHOC cast member Noella Bergener is getting a divorce. This is how you make an entrance, people.
• David Beador, an abyss wearing a fleshen mask, is suing his ex-wife Shannon Beador to keep their kids from filming RHOC.
• Kim Zolciak Bierman is launching a “spiritual academy” to help people “manifest dreams.” It costs $77 a month. I can promise you that is too much.
• Pharmacy magnate Jill Zarin is once again the proud owner of a Rite Aid in Canton, Ohio. Nothing in that sentence is made up or a joke.

Photo-Illustration: Vulture; Photo by Bravo

It was with a heavy heart and, I’m sure, an emptiness of pocket that Bravo announced this week that the second-ever BravoCon, planned for this fall in New York City, would be postponed until 2022. Yes, the fan convention, which was first held in 2019, is yet another large-scale event that has fallen victim to COVID-19, like so many people’s weddings. (Think about all the handmade bunting that will never see the light of day.)

After the news broke, the network’s mascot-in-chief Andy Cohen tweeted, “The plans were incredible, ambitious, and would’ve made all very happy…. and now we must wait until 2022!!!” But you won’t have to wait at all. The Housewives Institute got its grubby mitts on the list of panels that were planned for the event and can exclusively reveal them for you now. (Not really, I made these all up.) I think now that we know what we were missing, it’s going to make it hurt that much harder.

How to Make Bail in Palm Beach
Participants: Luann De Lesseps, Tinsley Mortimer, Jules Wainstein, and Jen Shah
Moderator: Phaedra Parks, Esq.
This insightful tutorial will inform fans what they should do when they find themselves on the other side of a jail cell in the city where Housewives go to wear the kind of bracelets you just can’t buy at Cartier. Yes, many have seen the inside of a cell in the city that used to be known as Jeffrey Epstein’s playground but is now where Luann told a cop she would kill him. Don’t worry, none of these women served prison time, so they know what they’re talking about. Jen Shah, though not arrested in Palm Beach, is on hand to tell the crowd how to do a perp walk in style.

Andy Cohen’s Burn Book
Participants: Jillian Michaels, Tituss Burgess, Carole Radziwill, Nene Leakes, some twink named Tyler he blocked on Grindr
Moderator: Kathy Griffin
Everyone loves Bravo’s overlord Andy Cohen, right? Wrong! Revisit some of his biggest celebrity feuds with the people who instigated them. Kathy Griffin, who thinks he stole her CNN job, will talk to other celebs who had awful experiences at Watch What Happens Live, some former Housewives he has done dirty, and one queen that he wouldn’t sleep with when he found out they were both tops. Anything could happen, but one thing is for sure, there won’t be a game of F, Marry, Kill, because we all know what they’d do to Andy.

Vanderpump and Dump: How to Party Like a Mom
Participants: Scheana Shay, Stassi Schroeder, Lala Kent, Brittney Cartwright Cauchi, Katie Maloney
Moderator: Kim Zolciak-Biermann
Just because you’ve popped out your first kid doesn’t mean that you can’t spend a Saturday night at the club like you did in your 20s. These new mothers tell us how they can have it all, and by have it all we mean both a hangover and a screaming infant at the same time. This will make a birthday weekend in Vegas look like child’s play — pun intended. Katie, of course, isn’t a mother but she had to be included or else she would whine about it.

Sonja Morgan’s Intervention: A Watch What Happens Special
Participants: Sonja Morgan, Ramona Singer, Luann de Lesseps, Leah McSweeney, Her Daughter, the ghost of J.P. Morgan, that facialist who is mean, her pet psychic, all Bravo viewers
Moderator: An addiction specialist from Promises Malibu who has a car waiting outside
A long journey begins with one step, but the road to sobriety begins with 12. After years of getting wasted due to mixing alcohol and “water pills,” Sonja Morgan finally meets her match: rock bottom. Everyone in her life confronts her before a live studio audience to see if she can take the first step: admitting she has a problem. Brought to you by Pepsi Rosé.

Eboni K. Williams’s Sunday Service and Black Excellence Summit
Participants: Porsha Williams, Garcelle Beauvais, Quad Webb, Kandi Burruss, Bevy Smith, Ciara Miller, the Mary Cosby Singers
Moderator: Eboni K. Williams
You thought you had seen Eboni preach on this season of RHONY? Well, wait until you actually see her preach. In her debut as an ordained minister, Eboni takes us all to church in a full ceremony, complete with Bible verses, a whole-ass sermon, and the dulcet tones of the choir from Mary Cosby’s Salt Lake City Church. Mass is followed by appearances from the handful of Black people that Bravo could get together, in an attempt to seem way more diverse than it really is.

The Inaugural Mr. Bravo Pageant 
Participants: Carl Radke, Steve Gold, Fredrik Eklund, Ryan Searhant, Frankie Catania, Joe Gorga, Mauricio Umanski, Juan Dixon, Tom Sandoval, Craig Conover, Kyle Cooke
Moderator: Andy Cohen
Come observe the hottest studs in all of cable strut across the stage, answer questions about world peace, and show off their considerable, ahem, talent to a drooling audience. Yes, there is a swimsuit competition. No, you can’t touch.

Gay Sidekicks: Where Are They Now? 
Participants: Dwight Eubanks, Derek J, Miss Lawrence, Rosie Pierri, Fernanda Rocha, Tracy Young, Kevin Lee, Cedric Martinez
Moderator: Anderson Cooper
Bravo used to be the gayest channel on the dial and the Housewives was pretty darn queer for a franchise that was all about middle-aged women. But now that all of their gay sidekicks are gone (well, except for Erika Jayne’s creative director Mikey), what have they been up to? And what is life like when everyone knows your name, everyone knows you’re gay, but you still can’t get your ass back on Bravo?

Photo-Illustration: Vulture; Photo by Bravo

Real Housewives of Potomac, Season 6, Episode 4: It was amusing to watch [Gizelle’s two youngest daughters] try not to burst into laughter at Grace’s fourth failed attempt at obtaining her permit. I seriously want to know what is tripping li’l mama up because I definitely took the test having never so much as looked at a driving manual and got a passing score.

Real Housewives of New York City, Season 13, Episode 13: Here’s the thing about Sonja’s business meeting: It was sort of like Rashomon, but one of the narrators is a lychee-and-mango bubble tea, and the other is a blown-out semi-truck tire on the side of the Long Island Expressway.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Season 11, Episode 11 (1111, make a wish!): Kathy Hilton is like, “I have so many houses in so many places I can’t keep them all straight and I get so confused and sometimes I just wander into a stranger’s house completely naked holding a fan and then say, ‘Oopsie. Wrong house!’” This is not a brag or a flex, this just proves how irregular Kathy is (which might be why she needs chia seeds so badly).

Real Housewives of Potomac, Season 6, Episode 5: The thing is, Wendy is not only focused on getting her groove back, but she is also trying to be every woman, and despite what Chaka Khan said, it is just not all in her.

Real Housewives of New York City, Season 13, Episode 14: Next is a date for Sonja Tremont Morgan of the Wind Breaker Gas Displacement Pills Morgans. I had faith in Eboni’s friend Devyn. I really did. Then she set my favorite floozy up with a pair of cracked Ray-Bans.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Season 11, Episode 12: Instead of Erika’s legal woes and Tom robbing plane-crash victims, we get to have [checks notes] a discussion about race in America. It’s like a Choose Your Own Adventure book, but one adventure is to have your pubes plucked out by the ghost of John Wayne Gacy and the other adventure is being DaBaby’s publicist.

Photo: Bravo

I’m not sure exactly what Wendy Osefo is dressing for: A date? The beach? A gym where they only allow a quarter of your outfit to be athleisure? It’s as wrong as it is baffling.

Highlighting the best comment of the week for our lovely Institute members. This one is from last week’s RHOBH:

KimmyLane: To paraphrase Oscar Wilde, “Truth is never pure and life is never simple.” And isn’t that the Raison d’Etre of all Real Housewivery and their shows?

“I always thought I had a daddy complex, I didn’t realize that it went back to my dad.” — Sonja Morgan